It’s the next to the last day in January and as Con said this morning, “It feels like January has been a month long Monday.”
Truer words I’ve never heard.
Today is Wednesday. They started Mom on morphine a little under two weeks ago on a Friday. January 18th, I think, was her first dose. She doesn’t like to take it. It makes her sleepy and tastes bitter. She refuses it until she literally can not stand the pain (which is usually when we have to move her for this or that) and that makes it take even longer for it to kick in.
And it’s horrible to hear her moan in pain.
She’s been very sweet and kind, altho a dark kind of specter pokes it’s head out every once and a while, but it’s usually pretty funny. No, I can’t share what it says here, but will be willing to do so on a individual basis if you care to know.
She hasn’t really eaten for over week now. Maybe a taste of food or a few sips of a protein shake over the last two days, but nothing more. She takes small sips of water or tea fairly regularly.
When people ask me how she’s doing, I don’t have an answer. I can only describe what she’s doing. I’m not sure how she is. She says things from time to time like,
“I didn’t think it would be time to go.”
“I’m ready to go to heaven where there’s no pain.”
“I’ll be ok.”
And, you know, I just don’t know how to process all this. When my friends ask how I’m doing, my answer is usually, ‘I don’t know”.
As some point, we all will have to sit with someone and wait for them to die. There will be little comfort that will be available offer and maybe all that can be done is hold up the cup so they can take a sip of water. Everything else just kind of will be on hold or at the very least be of a lesser priority, because this exit will be a one time performance only.
Hopefully, when our time comes, there will be someone waiting with us as well.